Meretrix Mad-onna Crosses Line

In her latest tour, "Confessions," Ms. Ritchie, a sad, sagging strumpet , strikes out again against Christianity by interjecting profaned sacred images of the Christ into her sordid, sadomasochist show. Satan's sweetie suspends herself from a huge, mirrored cross sporting a crown of thorns as she sings "Live to Tell." She returns to the sexual imagery of her controversial 1989 "Like a Prayer" video. In her "Future Lovers," this heathen hetaera further demonstrates her debauchery as she dons dominatrix duds while dancing with her gagged, bare-chested "Boy Toys." Poor lost soul! One may be tempted to damn this devilish demimondaine but that would be an unwarranted arrogation of Divine perogative.

Balco Bonds' Clear Record

San Fran "Giant" Barry Bonds tied George Herman "Babe" Ruth's hallowed mark yesterday as he finally got his 714th homer against the Oakland A's. Under investigation by baseball for alleged steroid use and by a federal grand jury for possible perjury (in his denial of knowingly using steroids to another grand jury investigating the BALCO affair), Bond's achievement met with mixed reviews. Nineteen-year-old Tyler Snyder, who caught the 714th homer ball, indicated that he probably would not give the record ball to Bonds (whom he hates) but would like Bonds to sign it if its value would be increased. Records are made to be broken: however, if steroids gives us new slugging and homer records, will true fans of the national pastime still care about these once cherished statistics?

Nagin's Hurricane Hangover Eased

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin shows what it takes to be a successful Louisiana politician as he defeats Lieutenant Mitch Landrieu in Saturday's mayoral race. Landrieu, son of Moon Landrieu, the last white New Orleans mayor, and brother of Mary Landrieu, a current U.S. senator of Louisiana, was the choice of national Democratic leader Dean and his monied minions. Nagin brilliantly united his black constituency with white conservatives to let the nation know that Louisiana does not take too fondly to national intervention into its elections and politics. (Republicans founds that out when they tried to defeat Mitch Landrieu's sister in her reelection race and couldn't even properly pronounce her name in their ads.) After Nagin's re-election, Landrieu graciously conceded and promised to work with the mayor for a united, restored New Orleans, and Nagin similarly praised his opponent. However, Nagin deviated from his prepared remarks by lavishly praising President Bush for bringing billions of dollars in aid to New Orleans in the efforts to rebuild its levees and its infrastructure. He then thanked Governor Blanco (to the seemingly less appreciative audience) for her future efforts on part of the city and offered an olive branch to her. Nagin put the Big Hurt on the Big Easy's spoilsports!

Lost Couple Cuffed After Rebuff

After spending an idealic day picnicking and watching the Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yard for the first time, Joshua Kelly and Llara Brook of Chantilly, VA, headed home after getting directions. As they navigated their way home, they got lost and ended up in south Baltimore. Unfortunately for them, they ran a stop sign and were pulled over by officer Natalie Preston. After writing them a ticket, she refused to give them directions. Instead, according to Kelly, she said, "You found your own way in here, you can find your own way out." Kelly added that when they flagged another officer down to get help, Officer Preston intervened and said, "My partner is not going to step in front of me and tell you directions if I'm not." Desperate for help, Kelly pulled the car next to a curb, and Brook called her dad for help. As she was getting directions, Officer Preston pulled up behind them, told Kelly to get out of the car and arrested him for trespassing (on a public street). When Brook pleaded for help and said that she could not leave Kelly there, Officer Preston told her that would be going downtown also. The couple spent eight hours in jail and were released without being charged. Baltimore City police are investigating the incident.

See http://www.thewbalchannel.com/news/9229472/detail.html for all the details.

Restaurant's Risque Rubric

Scottsdale, AZ, is abuzz about a restaurant chain that wants to open a Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant store in this upscale city. The company's flagstaff store is in the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. After initially favoring its establishment, Scottsdale Mayor Mary Monross is now opposing it after being alerted by some citizens that the name is a bawdy term for a part of the distaff anatomy. Linda Perez, a spokewoman for the restaurant counters that it is named after an item on the menu. If the mayor is correct, it won't be the first time that a restaurant chain has cashed in on a double entendre.

Speaker Steamed over Goss

According to Robert Novak, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert gave Vice President Dick Cheney an earful over the unceremonious sacking of Porter Goss as CIA chief. When Cheney went to the House last week to accept the Distinguished Service Award along with Porter Goss and others, he met with the Speaker and then the row erupted. Hastert let Cheney know, in no uncertain terms, that he took the treatment of Goss as a personal affront. Not only had his personal friend given up a safe FL seat at the President's urging and against the Speaker's suasion but Goss had also been shabbily treated after his good start at cleaning up the CIA's profound partisan problems. To make matters worse, Home Security Secretary Negroponte neglected to give the Speaker a "heads up" in their meeting two days prior to the canning of his personal friend and former colleague. Further, the abrupt nature of the axing gave resonance to rumors that Goss may have lost his job due to some connection with the Cunningham corruption probe. In an effort to assuage the Speaker's ire, Cheney immediately set up a meeting for the Speaker to meet with the President in his personal quarters. At the meeting, Bush expressed his deep admiration for Goss and vainly tried to fully appease the anger of Hastert. Of course, the fact that Republican control of the House and, consequently, his position as Speaker are at risk due in no small measure to the President's abysmal poll ratings may be an aggravating factor for Hastert.

Mona Lisa's Smile Canne'd

Opie and his Bosom Buddy's magnum opus, the "Da Vinci Code," received a chilly reception at a sneak preview for movie critics at the Cannes film festival. Instead of applause, the film was greeted with snickers and out right derision from the audience of 2000. Peter Brunette, Boston Globe critic opined, "I didn't like it very much. I thought it was almost as bad as the book, was a zombie." As to the cine's denouement (when Hanks is unveiled as the purported last surviving descendant of Christ, Gerson Da Cunha of the Times of India added, "At the high point, there was laughter among the journalists. Not loud laughs, but a snicker and I think that says it all." Who's smiling now?