Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Clemson Coed's Death Unsolved

Twenty-year old Tiffany Marie Soers, 20, a Clemson junior majoring in civil engineering, was found strangled to death with a bikini top at 1:30 a.m. last Friday in her flat in The Rerve, an apartment complex five to ten minutes from the Clemson campus. According to Pickens County Coroner Dr. James Mahanes, no trauma (e.g., cuts and bruises) to her body was evident (other than that of strangulation), and, according to Clemson police, there were no signs of forced entry or of a struggle. Toxicology and rape tests results should be available within two weeks. Alanna Dybus, a friend of Soers, said that Soers was not dating anyone recently. Even though Soers had a page and a page, she did not talk with strangers online according to a close friend on Fox News Live. Police report that they are speaking with people of interest. Soers' funeral and interment are scheduled for tomorrow.


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Ah-Mad Appeals 2 Young Germans

Iranian Prez Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (hereafter Ah-mad) spanks Spiegel as its interviewer tries to tame the wild man of Persia. In Germany's zeal to atone for its attempt to annihilate the Jews during Hitler's heyday, it has outlawed the denial of the Holocaust and continues to self-immolate. Whenever the freedom of speech is abridged (even for noble purposes), the devil's advocates will have an audience willing to believe and embrace the view spoken against a censorious government. Further, individuals (including young Germans) today are not apt to atone for their own sins much less those of their parents, grandparents, or fatherland. Ah-mad takes on Spiegel in both regards and tries to persuade the young and unknowing that Iran is misunderstood, that he is trying to find an equitable solution to the Palestinian problem, and that Germans should feel good about themselves again. An attractive message by Ah-mad albeit flawed a la the Furer!


Monday, May 29, 2006

Best Fast Food Burger

*1. Burger King's Whopper, Jr. (juicier and tastier than the regular Whopper)
 2.  Sonic Burger No. 1 (Mayo) (delicious but would be better in a waxed paper wrapper)
 3. Mickey D's Big Mac (good in a weird way)
 4. Wendy's Classic Burger (too much bread, too little heat, and not enough yum)
 5. Krystal Burger (great midnight snack w/ kechup)

* Burger King also offers the worst burger, i.e., the Angus burger. The sauce is horrid and the
patty is as dry as the Gobi desert. It is BK's New Coke: a good idea but a horrible product.

2008 Prez/Veep Candidates

Republican - FL Gov. Jeb Bush/Sec. of State Condi Rice
- Bush - wrong surname for Prez for this election: nevertheless, he is a popular, able pro-life governor who has performed admirably during the hurricanes that hit his populous state and who has a very photogenic Hispanic family. Even more so than his brother, Jeb could bring the largest minority into the Republican fold.
- Rice - very attractive candidate for Veep: she is a highly intelligent, strong defense-minded single African-American woman who can keep the Republican base while making inroads into the black and feminist communities.

Democrat - IN Sen. Evan Bayh/NM Gov. Bill Richardson
- Bayh - articulate, reasonable moderate (akin to former Sen. John Breaux of LA): he doesn't fall victim to the knee-jerk demogoguery of the Pelosi/Reid wing.
- Richardson - moderate to conservative Hispanic governor: he is fiscally responsible and appeals to Clinton Democrats, independents, and moderate Republicans (not to mention his fellow Hispanics).

Both Republicans and Democrats would be putting up formidable candidates that would resonate with much of the American public. Perhaps, the vitriol of partisan politics would be tamped down a bit as well.

Happy Memorial Day!

On this special day, to all the veterans (Union, Confederate, and all others who served in the nation's wars declared or not) who paid the ultimate price, we, your fellow citizens, salute you. You answered the call and for that you are owed an unfathomable debt of gratitude. May God bless your descendants and the citizenry for whom you sacrificed your lives!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Babe Clear'd

Balco Bobby Clear'd and Cream'd the Babe's record today to the delight of his Bay acolytes as he hit 715 against the Colorado Rockies. However, many mourn the passing of an era when baseball statistics actually meant something. No longer are they revered and held as sacrosanct: the era of steroids and growth hormones have made a mockery of the game, the statistics, and the records that baseball fans have held dear. With the way baseball owners and management have prostituted the game, they should request an escort fee instead of an entrance one.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

ESPN Bails On Bonds

ESPN has decided to pull the ill-conceived "Bond on Bonds" early after its airing of the ninth episode on Monday. The sports network had hoped to cash in on Bond's personal perspective as he chased the Babe and closed in on Hank Aaron. Doubtless, ratings suffered in no small part because of the controversy surrounding his alleged steroid use. Bonds has maintained that he never knowingly used steroids. Now that he is being investigated by Major League Baseball and by a federal grand jury in this regard, Bonds seems to falter forward while futilely soliciting the support of baseball fans and the media that he has so often spurned and disparaged. Clear-ly, no extra innings for S.F.'s Michellan Man! (Reminds me: I need to go see X-Men 3.)

AmEx: Don't Leave Home Without It

Chaz R. Watkin, 18, must have TiVo'd through the old American Express ads. According to an ABC report, Watkins pulled into Singhs Grocery in Livingston, LA (a town of 1,000 approximately 20 miles east of Baton Rouge), and pumped $36.50 of gas into his vehicle. Then the hapless lad realized that he had forgotten his wallet: shortly thereafter, unsurprisingly, an argument ensued with the store owner, Nardeep S. Bullar, 25. As Watkins tried to leave, Bullar shot out one tire and then another. Deputies arrested the would-be customer for theft of gasoline and the owner for aggravated assault, criminal damage to property, and illegal discharge of a firearm. East meets South: that good ole boy may shop at Dixie Gas next time.


Thursday, May 25, 2006

Hastert Lawyers' Warn ABC

Speaker Denis Hastert's legal counsel sent a letter to ABC News President David Westin accusing ABC News of libel and defamation in its continued repetition of its story that the Speaker is under investigation by the Justice Department. Hastert's attorney threatened to "take any and all actions necessary to rectify the harm ABC has caused and to hold those at ABC responsible for their conduct."


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Justice: Speaker Not Under Investigation

Earlier today, when asked by reporters whether he was being probed in the Abramoff affair, Speaker Dennis Hastert said that he had not received such a notice from Justice and that they would have to ask Justice. When so queried, Justice Department spokeswoman Tasia Scolinos said, "Speaker Hastert is not under investigation by the Justice Department." Hastert has since called a contrary ABC's report "absolutely untrue" and demanded a full retraction.


ABC: Speaker Under Investigation by FBI

According to Brian Ross of ABC News, House Speaker Dennis Hastert is under investigation by the FBI as to his role, if any, in the Abramoff public corruption probe. After a fundraiser for Hastert at an Abramoff-owned restaurant three years ago, the Speaker wrote a letter to the Secretary of the Interior to block a casino on an Indian reservation that would have competed with gaming interests by Indian tribes represented by Abramoff. Hastert claimed that his actions were lawful  and indicated that he would donate any political contribution received from Abramoff and his clients to charity. Eyebrows may now be raised as to the motivations of Hastert in his vocal opposition to the raid of Congressman Jefferson's Capitol Hill office in a separate public corruption probe involving telecommunications contracts in Africa. Hastert has called for the return of documents seized from Jefferson's office and for the suspension of the FBI agents involved in that raid as to that investigation.


Embattled Jefferson Defies Pelosi

Louisiana Democrat Rep. William Jefferson refused to step down from the powerful Ways and Means Commisttee at the request of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. In a tersely worded letter, Pelosi wrote, "In the interest of upholding the high ethical standard of the House Democratic Caucus, I am writing to request your immediate resignation from the Ways and Means Committee." Jefferson retorted, "With respect, I decline to do so. I will not give up a committee assignment that is so vital to New Orleans at this crucial time for any uncertain, long-term political strategy." Pelosi has been trying to tar Republicans with governing in a "culture of corruption": Jefferson's troubles are vitiating the resonance of her rhetoric and enforcing what many believe already, i.e., venality knows no political affiliation.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Meretrix Mad-onna Crosses Line

In her latest tour, "Confessions," Ms. Ritchie, a sad, sagging strumpet , strikes out again against Christianity by interjecting profaned sacred images of the Christ into her sordid, sadomasochist show. Satan's sweetie suspends herself from a huge, mirrored cross sporting a crown of thorns as she sings "Live to Tell." She returns to the sexual imagery of her controversial 1989 "Like a Prayer" video. In her "Future Lovers," this heathen hetaera further demonstrates her debauchery as she dons dominatrix duds while dancing with her gagged, bare-chested "Boy Toys." Poor lost soul! One may be tempted to damn this devilish demimondaine but that would be an unwarranted arrogation of Divine perogative.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Balco Bonds' Clear Record

San Fran "Giant" Barry Bonds tied George Herman "Babe" Ruth's hallowed mark yesterday as he finally got his 714th homer against the Oakland A's. Under investigation by baseball for alleged steroid use and by a federal grand jury for possible perjury (in his denial of knowingly using steroids to another grand jury investigating the BALCO affair), Bond's achievement met with mixed reviews. Nineteen-year-old Tyler Snyder, who caught the 714th homer ball, indicated that he probably would not give the record ball to Bonds (whom he hates) but would like Bonds to sign it if its value would be increased. Records are made to be broken: however, if steroids gives us new slugging and homer records, will true fans of the national pastime still care about these once cherished statistics?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Nagin's Hurricane Hangover Eased

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin shows what it takes to be a successful Louisiana politician as he defeats Lieutenant Mitch Landrieu in Saturday's mayoral race. Landrieu, son of Moon Landrieu, the last white New Orleans mayor, and brother of Mary Landrieu, a current U.S. senator of Louisiana, was the choice of national Democratic leader Dean and his monied minions. Nagin brilliantly united his black constituency with white conservatives to let the nation know that Louisiana does not take too fondly to national intervention into its elections and politics. (Republicans founds that out when they tried to defeat Mitch Landrieu's sister in her reelection race and couldn't even properly pronounce her name in their ads.) After Nagin's re-election, Landrieu graciously conceded and promised to work with the mayor for a united, restored New Orleans, and Nagin similarly praised his opponent. However, Nagin deviated from his prepared remarks by lavishly praising President Bush for bringing billions of dollars in aid to New Orleans in the efforts to rebuild its levees and its infrastructure. He then thanked Governor Blanco (to the seemingly less appreciative audience) for her future efforts on part of the city and offered an olive branch to her. Nagin put the Big Hurt on the Big Easy's spoilsports!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Lost Couple Cuffed After Rebuff

After spending an idealic day picnicking and watching the Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yard for the first time, Joshua Kelly and Llara Brook of Chantilly, VA, headed home after getting directions. As they navigated their way home, they got lost and ended up in south Baltimore. Unfortunately for them, they ran a stop sign and were pulled over by officer Natalie Preston. After writing them a ticket, she refused to give them directions. Instead, according to Kelly, she said, "You found your own way in here, you can find your own way out." Kelly added that when they flagged another officer down to get help, Officer Preston intervened and said, "My partner is not going to step in front of me and tell you directions if I'm not." Desperate for help, Kelly pulled the car next to a curb, and Brook called her dad for help. As she was getting directions, Officer Preston pulled up behind them, told Kelly to get out of the car and arrested him for trespassing (on a public street). When Brook pleaded for help and said that she could not leave Kelly there, Officer Preston told her that would be going downtown also. The couple spent eight hours in jail and were released without being charged. Baltimore City police are investigating the incident.

See for all the details.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Restaurant's Risque Rubric

Scottsdale, AZ, is abuzz about a restaurant chain that wants to open a Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant store in this upscale city. The company's flagstaff store is in the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. After initially favoring its establishment, Scottsdale Mayor Mary Monross is now opposing it after being alerted by some citizens that the name is a bawdy term for a part of the distaff anatomy. Linda Perez, a spokewoman for the restaurant counters that it is named after an item on the menu. If the mayor is correct, it won't be the first time that a restaurant chain has cashed in on a double entendre.

Speaker Steamed over Goss

According to Robert Novak, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert gave Vice President Dick Cheney an earful over the unceremonious sacking of Porter Goss as CIA chief. When Cheney went to the House last week to accept the Distinguished Service Award along with Porter Goss and others, he met with the Speaker and then the row erupted. Hastert let Cheney know, in no uncertain terms, that he took the treatment of Goss as a personal affront. Not only had his personal friend given up a safe FL seat at the President's urging and against the Speaker's suasion but Goss had also been shabbily treated after his good start at cleaning up the CIA's profound partisan problems. To make matters worse, Home Security Secretary Negroponte neglected to give the Speaker a "heads up" in their meeting two days prior to the canning of his personal friend and former colleague. Further, the abrupt nature of the axing gave resonance to rumors that Goss may have lost his job due to some connection with the Cunningham corruption probe. In an effort to assuage the Speaker's ire, Cheney immediately set up a meeting for the Speaker to meet with the President in his personal quarters. At the meeting, Bush expressed his deep admiration for Goss and vainly tried to fully appease the anger of Hastert. Of course, the fact that Republican control of the House and, consequently, his position as Speaker are at risk due in no small measure to the President's abysmal poll ratings may be an aggravating factor for Hastert.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Mona Lisa's Smile Canne'd

Opie and his Bosom Buddy's magnum opus, the "Da Vinci Code," received a chilly reception at a sneak preview for movie critics at the Cannes film festival. Instead of applause, the film was greeted with snickers and out right derision from the audience of 2000. Peter Brunette, Boston Globe critic opined, "I didn't like it very much. I thought it was almost as bad as the book, was a zombie." As to the cine's denouement (when Hanks is unveiled as the purported last surviving descendant of Christ, Gerson Da Cunha of the Times of India added, "At the high point, there was laughter among the journalists. Not loud laughs, but a snicker and I think that says it all." Who's smiling now?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Barbie Bardot

In a bid to bolster sagging sales of Barbie dolls, Mattel Inc. has decided to appeal further to its strong baby boomer market of avid collectors by embracing classic 1950's cheesecake. Mattel has launched Barbie Pin-Up Girls with its inaugural "Way Out West" Barbie sporting Daisy Duke shorts saucily perched atop a split-rail fence. She is to be followed by Lady Luck (a Las Vegas lounge chanteuse adorned in a gold lame dress and flaunting a faux fur stole) and Hula Honey (a Hawaiian foxy figurante with an optional grass skirt). Apparently, Mattel is hearkening back to its beginnings. According to New York Newsday columnist M.G. Lord, author of Forever Barbie: The Unauthorized Biography of a Real Doll), in 1959 Ruth Handler invented her wholesome Barbie (named after her young daughter) based on an adult gag gift for German men. This adult toy Lilli, (allusion to the succubus Lillith?), was based on a meretricious moll comic strip heroine. Nevertheless, Mattel has traditionally pitched Barbie to preteen girls like her daughter and based her fashions on the Paris runways. Since more and more young girls now are turning to sassier, irreverant Bratz dolls, Mattel has had to innovate to continue to grow beyond its approximate $1.5 billion yearly revenue. As Playboy, strip clubs, and other forms of adult entertainment have become more mainstream, it appears that Mattel's cheesecake Barbi might be just the thing to spice up its sales. As an aside, if the first Barbie were in human form, she would have been 5'6" and 110 lbs. in a 39-18-33 body: she has since been given more politically correct, yet still voluptuous measurements.

CNN Blunders On: 2B Bought by CBS?

It appears that CNN is aping its founder Ted Turner stumbling along as it tries to remain relevant in the cable news market. Last night CNN false started its coverage of President Bush's national immigration speech by partially airing his pre-speech rehearsal. It reminds one of CNN's other "mistake" which repeated showed a giant "X" over Chaney's face as he gave a speech six months ago. Maybe, CBS can finally get into cable news by buying CNN: it would seem a natural fit.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Mom, happy Mother's Day! You are an inspiration to me and to the rest of your children. I rise up and called you "blessed": thank you for being a Prov. 31 woman! May God bless you with long years, many more grandchildren, and His love, joy, and peace. You have always been there for me, and I am truly grateful. I love you very much, Mum!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Eau de Stilton, Bebe!

London Telegraph news alert! Guess what, gals! Now you can lure your man a la Elle MacPherson in Sirens: the makers of Stilton have commissioned a perfume called Eau de Stilton that captures the bleu cheese's pungent seductive aroma. Is Eau de Limburger next from our friends across the Pond?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Teacher Tart under Fire

Earlier today Fox News indicated that West Boca Raton (FL) High School might well fire twenty-five year old Erica Chevillar, a first-year social studies teacher, for posing for cheesecake photos while in college. As a member of the "U.S.A. National Bikini Team," she sat for bikini and lingerie pics that are now posted on the Internet. Based on school policy that requires teachers to act "morally and ethically," a parent filed a complaint with the school concerning Ms. Chevillar's collegiate conduct. West Boca High has since decided not to discipline her: it may have been concerned about the implications of such a legally dicey decision. Also, maybe, the first stone had no takers.

Hayden's Quest 2 Know U Better

Opponents of Air Force Gen. Michael Hayden were given added ammunition against his nomination to head the CIA by a story in today's USA Today. It reported on the National Security Agency (NSA)'s erstwhile secret ongoing collection of tens of millions of American's telephone records. After being offered to be paid for their cooperation, AT&T, BellSouth, and Verizon voluntarily complied with a request by the NSA to provide a complete listing of the calling histories of their customers and to provide updates which would allow the agency to keep watch on the calling habits of U.S. citizens. Even though the NSA is correct in saying that it did not receive the customers' names, address, and other personal data, it can easily procure this information by cross-checking it with other databases. Since Hayden headed the NSA from March 1999 to April 2005, he would have overseen this domestic call-tracking program: he refused to comment on the program. As an aside, Qwest refused to comply with the NSA's request for the phone records of its customers.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Oops, She Did It Again

Last night Britney Spears confirmed that she is pregnant again to David Letterman. (Cheekily, she informed Dave that it was not his baby.) It served little more than to tell most celeb watchers what they already knew: Kevin Federline has spawned yet more progeny. Just what our society sorely needs!

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Food for Thought? Yeah, Right!

According to BBC News, Save the Children (StC) reports that Liberian girls (as young as eight) are being solicited into exchanging sexual services for food by aid workers, for security (?) by peacekeepers, and for good grades (and in lieu of school fees) by teachers. StC also indicated that the UN, international NGOs, and local governmental officials are culpable. StC based its conclusions on a study involving 300 people in the refugee camps "sheltering" those displaced by the war. Those blue helmets don't seem to be providing the safety and serenity that their color and organization would suggest.

Saturday, May 6, 2006

Goss Goes

CIA Director Porter Goss  was forced out reported the Washington Post. According to the spin from administration anonymous sources, Peter Goss was doomed from the start with his Congressional hours, his reserved demeanor, inability to master intelligence details, and poor leadership skills. Negroponte, his frat brother at Yale, apparently wanted him out as Goss tried to protect his turf within the newly formed Home Security department. There is a salacious undercurrent that appears to be gaining credence that Goss's credibility was compromised by one of his top underlings, executive director Kyle "Dusty" Foggo. The rumor mill alleges that Dusty Foggo attended poker/prostitute parties hosted by his personal friend Brent Wilkes, a contractor, who allegedly improperly influenced another purported attendee, Rep. Randy Cunningham (R.-CA), recently convicted on public corruption charges.

Friday, May 5, 2006

More Mayo, Please

U.S. Rep. Patrick Kennedy said this afternoon that he will return to the Mayo Clinic to get help for his addiction to painkillers according to FNC. He stated that he didn't recall any part of the accident and added, "I know I need help." In response to a reporter's question whether he would resign, he shook his head no and added that he needed to stay in the fight. Kennedy has struggled with alcohol and drug problems in the past: over the latest Christmas holidays he checked himself into the Rochester, Minn. clinic for help. Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) cancelled two public appearances and released a statement saying, "I love Patrick very much and am very proud of him. All of us in the family admire his courage in speaking publicly about very personal issues and fully support his decision to seek treatment."

Camelot's Last Legs

U.S. Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) crashed his green Mustang convertible into a security barrier after barely missing a police cruiser according to police reports. Officers stated that Kennedy's car was observed swerving with its lights off before the accident. They added that Kennedy smelled of alchohol, had an unsteady gait, otherwise appeared intoxicated, and claimed to be on the way to the House to vote (on a bill taken six hours before). Before the officers on the scene were able to administer sobriety tests, higher ups intervened and drove Kennedy home. These rank-and-field cops were left fuming according to patrolmen's union president Lou Cannon. He said, "The officers just want to be able to do their jobs." On Fox & Friends, he added, "I think that it's safe to say that special consideration was given to him by virtue of his position. I think if it was [sic] you or me, we would probably not leave there in the same circumstances."  When asked on F&F what would occur to a normal person who was under the influence of pharmaceuticals and crashed his car into a something, Cannon responded that one would be given field  sobriety tests and could be charged with operating a motor vehicle under the influence of narcotics, whether they are prescribed or not. Kennedy later said he had not consumed alcohol prior to the incident, had taken prescribed drugs Ambien and Phenergan, and that he apparently was disoriented from the medication. In a follow-up to the accident by a Boston Herald reporter, a hostess at Hawk & Dove, a known Kennedy haunt, said that Kennedy was there the night of the accident and was drinking a little bit: she refused to give her name.

Thursday, May 4, 2006

Fox Hounded into Reversal

In an about face, Fox decided not to sign the drug decriminalization (possession of small amounts of cocaine, heroin, etc.) legislation and sent it back to the Mexican congress. Apparently, he reconsidered after U.S. outcries pertaining to the consequent creation of potential drug destinations for tourists and Mexican lawmakers' claims not to be fully aware of the extent of the decriminalization of drugs. How willl the Mexican legislature revise this bill? Amsterdam tourist officials are staying tuned.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Parsons' Pimpfant Fashions

Want to be the coolest parent on the block? Pimpfant wear is ready to help. Jared Parsons (ironic surname) brings you "Jr. Pimp Sqad" jerseys, "Baby Beater" tank tops, and "My Mom is a MILF" t-shirts. He got his inspiration when he tired of buying the usual child wear for his five-year old son: he wanted his boy to be able to dress like his daddy. Parsons defines "pimping" as "styling." Nothing like dredging the demimonde for designs!

Monday, May 1, 2006

May Day! May Day!

Today (May 1st or May Day) illegal immigrants and their supporters are trying to show their impact on the American economy by not attending school and boycotting U.S. businesses. Maybe, Cinco de Mayo would be a more appropriate day since the preponderance of illegals are Mexican. However, May Day is Workers' Day in the former communist U.S.S.R., and it hearkens back to when workers' were exploited but given "cradle to grave" sustenance. Further, the Minutemen patrolling the border may remind legal American citizens that "May Day" should be a desparate call to rescue the U.S. from the current crisis of inadequately guarded borders. Will today's actions by illegals engender sympathy or a backlash from American citizens? If they want to procure better PR for their cause, they may want to disassociate themselves from some of their strident demogogues who wave Mexican flags, sing the national anthem in Spanish, and call for force if needed to secure their demands.